Saturday: We had Caleb today. We were a little nervous about this since the day also involved meeting John's brother and sister-in-law for a meal out. Needn't have worried. Caleb was as quiet as a mouse and perfectly well behaved. And why? Because we took the Kindle with us, connected into the restaurant's Wi-Fi, and pulled up a Spider Man cartoon, a most recently discovered obsession that none of us were aware even existed in his little life. Worked like a charm!
It's been a very quiet day overall which has been appreciated in many ways but also a sad sort of day, too. John never does goodbye very well and to say goodbye to his brother today was difficult. I think he had bleary eyes all the way home. He talked as though he was afraid this was the last time, he'd see George. His brother is in perfectly good health, but he is 76 and I guess at this stage of life, we all must expect that eventually our age will catch up with us.
I was much amused by Pilar however, who said that she'd probably not see Caleb again until he was in high school. I did quick math and added 18 years to her age and decided that I liked her optimism, lol.
We had a lovely day with them. The visit fairly flew and there was far less visiting than I'd thought we should expect, but overall, the visit was pleasant.
meals: bagels with cream cheese
Caleb had a snack about the usual lunch hour, then we loaded up and met Pilar and George for a late lunch. Caleb ate again while there.
Sandwiches? I honestly can't remember, but Caleb was put to bed without supper. That said, he did have milk and grahams and had three solid meals and two solid snacks under his waistband so no fear that one went hungry. Oh! We had leftovers from lunch and snacked on those.
Sunday: Just as service was about to start this morning, I got a call from Pilar saying they were leaving town. Their plan is to be home tomorrow evening. I do not envy them the long journey ahead.
We went by the grocery store this morning on our way home. Fresh fruit was foremost in mind as well as more fresh produce, and a couple of dairy items. It's certainly not frivolous spending we're doing lately. Fortunately, the freezer is full, and the pantry is stable. Fingers crossed; the fresh foods should hold us at least two weeks.
When we got home today, I made slider sandwiches. Then I went ahead with my usual Sunday routine. I cleared the fridge, looked at leftovers and determined what I'd use this week and then I prepped a pot pie for supper. I used some of the leftover turkey, some leftover cooked broccoli, mushrooms, onions and carrots in a lemony chicken broth. It was pretty good in my opinion, but John did object to the broccoli in it this evening. I noted that he cleaned his plate despite this aberration.
Today I put quite a bit of turkey up in the freezer, though I did make the pot pie from leftovers. I was careful to divide it into portion I might use in the future and not just shove it all into one container. I also decided to move the second pan of dressing to the freezer, too. Though I made a menu plan for this week already, I failed to take leftovers into account. Truth, I was writing that on Friday afternoon while the house was fairly quiet, and we were on our own. I had time to think, but obviously was not fully thinking of all I ought to have done.
We took a leisurely trip to the dumpsters this evening to drop off trash. We are making sure right now to go before 5pm since we're now getting dark so very early. We drove along a few of the roads nearby, mostly just to look things over. Cotton is being harvested just now, as are soybeans. Wild turkeys were in several of the harvested fields. I so enjoy seeing the wildlife around about us.
I am tired. We were up around 6 this morning and the day has been long. I begin again tomorrow.
Meals: Cheese toast
Can't think what it was!
Turkey and Broccoli Pot Pie, Mashed potatoes
Monday: So much for my 'slow' approach. Today as we were eating lunch, John told me gently, "Terri, SLOW DOWN." I told him that of late, I feel I must be in a very real hurry to get things done, including eating. He reminded me that there was no need to rush things. And he's right. What makes this doubly odd is that I am a very slow eater usually. As in, a former sister-in-law used to teasingly tell anyone that she took up smoking because I was such a slow eater when we shared lunch.
My trouble is that I feel I'm waiting on the next thing to happen.
And at the same time, I feel I'm spinning my wheels in deep mud.
Ugh.
I have been busy since I rose this morning and yet it feels I've done little or nothing. I made breakfast for John and me, worked on the check register for the first of December. I've already received several of the bills for end of November/first of December and felt it would pay me to write checks. One needed to go out right away. The rest can wait until end of the week.
I made a quick fried rice for lunch, after getting a roast started in the slow cooker for dinner. Then dishes, both hand washed and dishwasher. And from there, absolutely nothing but dropping into a sort of lethargy. This won't do. It won't do at all, but there you are. Call it weariness, wariness or just plain done.
At least the sun is shining. I think perhaps I am just overtired after this holiday rush and that once I rest, I will recover from whatever it is that ails me.
Meals: Cranberry Muffins, Eggs
???
Pot Roast with Root Vegetables This was a blade roast, something with which I'm not at all familiar and a bit higher than I'm accustomed to pay for roast, but cheaper than a chuck roast. It plainly said on the package for Pot Roast, and we decided to try it. Everyone was enthusiastic about this meal and how very good this cut of meat was. There's plenty of leftovers for another meal this week as well.
Tuesday: A sunnier outlook today. I am accomplishing very little at home at present but that is okay. The life I railed against yesterday is one with which I am at peace today, at least to some extent. So, I puttered gently about the house, rested, even took a nap with John mid-afternoon, something I'd typically completely bypass. When we took off the trash this evening, I teased him that I had come to expect a ride out of my trash dump day because we'd done it for the past four days mostly as a treat for Caleb and he said, "Too bad!" But then he took a right turn when we were leaving the dump and we rode along the same long way home that we'd taken the day before. I contrasted the two days in my mind.
Yesterday the sun shone so brightly that it nearly blinded us, but it also illuminated the trees that still have a full set of beautifully colored leaves, setting them afire. Today they stood out against the gray heavy clouds, equally as brilliant and beautiful as the day before, but completely different.
Today I'm still thinking about this current season of my life and how it is not what I anticipated. John said yesterday, "Perhaps it's not the season you thought you wanted or needed, but it's God's answer for another." There was food for thought, but admittedly, I cried and wept last night in the dark hours, thinking of all I must surrender. And yet today, I have peace.
Meals: Waffles and Sausage
something leftover...why am I drawing such a blank on lunches lately?
Parmesan Chicken Cutlets, Rice, Green Salad with Pepperoncini and Gorgonzola
Wednesday: The heavens opened, and rain poured down last night all over again. We'd only just gotten the carport dry enough to get the car under once again. Never mind, one day we shall have that floored with crush run or even concrete and not have to forgo using the carport in rainy weather. No hard complaints as it's been plenty dry this fall. I do feel for the farmers though who are working hard to get in harvests of cotton and soybeans just now.
We were awakened early this morning by a rousing thunderstorm with lightning. When it finally cleared off, I headed right into the bath to get ready for the day. John's still using the guest bath shower, but I've been taking a bath in our garden tub. Not an ideal but I don't have to go out of the room for a shower. I will say that with the additional room we're each getting in our separate bathing areas, we are more enthusiastic about getting a proper walk-in shower for our bath in the future. And we are seeing how handicap unfriendly our current situation is. Thankfully not an issue for us at present but definitely a consideration for our future senior years.
We were ready to leave home around 8am this morning and off we went to get the car serviced, stop by Walmart to get my eyeglasses adjusted and pick up a handful of needed grocery items.
John always stops and buys donuts to take into the shop where we get our auto work done. He likes doing it and they don't seem to mind in the least. Today we had the tires rotated and balanced, the oil changed, the car looked over well and got an air filter and wiper blades changed. Our car has 195,000 miles on it and John laughed at the idea that we're thinking of getting work done on it, but I pointed out that the car has always been well cared for, is perfectly reliable and is a brand known for its longevity. One expert says it's not in the least uncommon to see these models go for 400,000 miles. When he began to fret about how we'd manage to buy another car, I pointed out that God always seems to make a way. Why worry?
While we were waiting on the car, John walked across to McDonalds and got us something to eat.
At Walmart, we picked up tater tots, coffee creamer, milk and exited the store. I got my glasses adjusted before we shopped. And then over to the county seat in our county to vote in the early election. Then home.
As the morning went on, I contemplated grief. I think I've spent most of this year grieving in some way. I've ranted and railed against circumstances; I've mourned the losses of time and energy to do projects; I've whined and complained. And if these are the stages of grief, then perhaps finally I am getting nearer 'Acceptance'.
In clearing Katie's house, I found a picture of Granny. In the photo she is laughing. I brought that picture home and have it on my dresser and contemplate it daily. I am sure that she too was disappointed in life, but she never spoke of it. Well except for the caring of her mother, whom she loved dearly. And then it wasn't the fact of taking care of her but that others assumed because she was widowed and her children grown that she'd ought to give up her own life until the end of her mother's life. There were five others who might have helped but seldom did. I do recall then that Granny had to work things out on her own, as I must do now, though I am not widowed.
I felt done in by the day though it involved little more than walking or flipping through magazines or riding miles. I made lunch and have a supper plan that involves those tater tots.
Meals: McDonalds breakfast, coffee from home
Chicken Tacos, Chips, Salsa The sauce on the chicken was a clearance item I picked up at Publix when I bought all of those spices. La Tortilla Factory al Pastor sauce packet. This was absolutely delicious! Looking online I see that it retails from between $4 and $6. I paid 59c for mine. I'll watch to see if more of these go on clearance.
Tater Tot Casserole, Roasted Cauliflower, Sliced Tomato I'll use the leftover green bean casserole to make my base, mixed with some ground beef. I think it will be quite good.
Thursday: It was a very long and very difficult day. I tried, tried, tried to be gentle and patient and understanding, but before noon, I was sobbing, John and I were fighting, and things were looking none too good about this house, despite the morning of cleaning I'd managed. I had to clean today, and bake too, because tomorrow I must take Caleb for his follow-up appointment. I know the day will burn quickly away, as will my energy, so I was trying to work ahead.
In the end, we both felt absolutely miserable and though I was about as angry as I've ever been, I went to sit quietly by John and just wait. Not waiting for an apology though that did come, and he received one from me as well. I went to sit near him because everything in me wanted to shun and turn away from him and yet I know that was exactly what I didn't need to do. Not because he wanted me near, lol, he was feeling pretty much the same way I was, but because I knew that despite my anger, despite his, in the end it's our unity that strengthens us and enables us to overcome.
Our disagreement was a case of both of us being right and both of us being wrong over how a 2-part matter had been handled. I had every intention of apologizing for my part in the misunderstanding but knew that, as John will put it at times, "Just because you're ready to apologize doesn't mean I'm ready to accept it." In a funny way, his saying sort of eases the tension one can feel when apologizing. It acknowledges genuine anger or hurt and at the same time says, "I know you're doing the right thing, I'm just not there yet." Anyway, I've found it is helpful to me personally.
Talking it over later, we were cooler, calmer, better able to see the other side and able to acknowledge that ultimately, we're very frustrated and angry over a set of circumstances that we did not set in motion and yet must deal with the fall-out from.
I tried to talk to him earlier this morning about how I am grieving for what I thought this season of life would be, for the life I've had to give up almost entirely, without getting even a few of the things I wanted from this season. He looked puzzled and then said, "I don't want you to grieve!" "Well neither do I, but I have to acknowledge that I'm in that place right now." "But if you're unhappy then I have to do something to make you feel happy." "No, you don't. All you have to do is let me go through this and process it best I can. There's nothing you can do to change it! I just want you to know where I am emotionally at the moment." I suspect that the later disagreement stemmed in part from that desire to 'fix' and yet at the same time knowing that the 'fix' I'd been grasping at so hard and stupidly for was something he could only say a firm and honest, "NO" to.
The afternoon was still difficult, but we made it to the end as a couple rather than hunched in hurt and anger separately, sniffling or sleeping (our reactions to drama are very different. He shuts down. I replay, ad nauseum).
I am going to go crawl into bed now. I've got a pounding headache and tension in one shoulder. It's a bit chilly and I suspect that chill is what is causing the tension. Tomorrow is a new day with fresh new mercies. Thank God!
Meals: Eggs and Toast at John's request. Caleb isn't a fan of eggs, one of the few foods he refuses to even consider touching. He had toast, fruit and graham crackers.
Peanut butter sandwich, chips, fruit for Caleb. John had a roast beef sandwich and chips. I made myself a pot of soup consisting of a variety of frozen odds and ends and extra broth from this past week's roast beef dinner.
Spaghetti, Broccoli (Caleb), Salad, Pita Bread (spaghetti sauce was a combination of Bolognese and an all-veggie spaghetti sauce from the freezer).
Friday: Doctor visit is done. A chat with the nurse practitioner about Caleb's ears and the possibility of tubes. She pushed the idea off until spring. It just so happened though, as we were discussing his ears that he coughed. Caleb has had a deep chesty whoop of a cough for two years now, but his lungs are always clear, and he never seems to cough when the doctors are in the room anyway. Well! That cough made her stop and stare at him and then with big eyes she turned to me. I'd watched as she listened to him breathe and I said to her, "His lungs were clear...but he does this constantly." "Does he have allergies?" I explained that he not only has a lactose allergy (different from intolerance) but that in spring and autumn his eyes get gunky, his nose is runny/stuffy, and he's constantly being sent home sick when in fact, he's well, he just has allergies.
So today, finally he's been prescribed a regimen of antihistamine, nose spray and something else to use from now until his next checkup in spring or next illness whichever comes up first and re-evaluate.
I do understand Katie's reluctance to constantly dose him with over-the-counter allergy medicine, especially with all the labels stating 'Do not use more than 7 days' or 14 days. But the truth is we've tried all the natural remedies, the children's natural lines and nothing really helps except that one allergy med that she won't use beyond the 'no more than' date.
I am so hopeful that this will give him better sleep, less irritability and relief at last. It's a genetic thing. Members of his family have the same issues and take the medication daily. Josh was also an allergy bound child, but he's doing much better now that he's older.
On the way to Papa's house, as he called it, we discussed lunch. He specifically asked for burgers for a meal today and I promised him we'd have burgers for our supper tonight. With Tater Tots. He seemed very happy over that. We stopped at Publix to pick up more fresh fruit. Knowing that the grocery budget is near an end, John paid for that out of pocket. I added only burger buns to the things he'd chosen (snack mix that was on sale, bananas, grapes and Gramma's Fried Chicken for Taylor's Sunday dinner). Yes, we'll get to see Taylor this weekend and I am so pleased to get to see her!
Mama had called while I was wrestling that mad little boy at the doctor's office who wanted to run and act wild, and I declined the call. I called to see if she needed anything. She has now begun the Christmas drama and was rather put out with me for saying I had no clue what my plans were just yet that I hadn't had time to catch my breath since August. Again, she's pushing the idea of my brother (anti-social and avoider of family relationships) joining us all. I have no objection other than the chronic tears and disappointment and such that must accompany his refusal. She does see him during the holidays. He will visit with her, will gift her and will text her all through the month. He just doesn't want the family gatherings large nor small and she will not accept that. So for forty odd years now, we've been doing this continual tussle.
Truly he's just the current excuse. At some point in time, Mama became very unhappy over the holidays period. I do not recall a single childhood Thanksgiving or Christmas that we didn't have a knock down drag out fight between her and Daddy, her and all of us children, her and anyone else who dared to speak. I don't know why Mama ramps up for the holidays, but she always has. I guess at this stage it's such a habit for her that she just goes on autopilot with it now.
And that's partly why my brother chooses to ignore holidays. They've left a bad taste in his mouth. I understand this perfectly. Fortunately, I do have pleasant memories with my own children and husband, so I am not completely against the holidays overall, but my brother does not.
At any rate, I was not prepared to discuss holiday plans with her because I have no idea just yet what I'm doing. No Christmas lists for shopping, no clue of budget, and no idea what days family Christmas might be or anything else. And frankly, I hate the twisting stomach and sinking feeling I get when she starts crying as she did today. I'm already feeling pressured with my own inability to claim time to do what I know I must. She knows I'm more than happy to include her in any of our plans, and that we all will visit with her during the holidays themselves.
I had hoped that once we'd gotten through Thanksgiving, things in our lives would slow down for the end of the year. It's looking like December is going to be heavy duty, just like all the rest of the year. Not rushing the year out, but goodness gracious, 2022 has been more than hard and required a great deal more of us than I'd imagined possible.
Never mind. The week itself is at an end. And while the weekend ahead will be full and hectic, perhaps there will be quiet moments for us scattered in to keep us sane.
Meals: Kielbasa and Potato Hash, Cranberry Muffins
Soup, Jello, Crackers
Burgers with all the fixings, Baked Beans, Tater Tots or Oven Fries. I have a load of both potatoes and Tater Tots so either will do.
How was your week?
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